| Author |
Message |
    
cora morace
Awareness Member
Post Number:
9
Registered: 11-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, December 11, 2004 - 08:39 am: |   |
Grannies on the Road:
Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!" So he Turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"
The trooper trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK?
These women seem awfully shaken."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 127." |
Jennifer Lynn
Unity Member
Post Number:
1604
Registered: 03-2002
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, December 11, 2004 - 08:46 am: | |
LOL Thanks Cora,
A laugh is always a good way to start the day!
Jenn
Jennifer Lynn
www.jenniferlynn.ca |
Claudia Turner VanLydegraf
Mindsight Moderator
Post Number:
1775
Registered: 06-2002
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, December 11, 2004 - 09:18 am: | |
that was great.....
Claudia
MINDSIGHT MODERATOR
|
Bill Nelson
Wisdom Member
Post Number:
828
Registered: 10-2002
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, December 11, 2004 - 09:23 am: | |
LMAO. Cora, were you in the front or the back?
bn |
Lynn Price
Hsympothai Member
Post Number:
483
Registered: 03-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, December 11, 2004 - 10:35 am: | |
"Cora, were you in the front or the back?"
Heck no, Bill, she was driving. Great joke, Cora, I'm still laughing.
Lynn
www.behlerpublications.com
|
cora morace
Awareness Member
Post Number:
10
Registered: 11-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, December 11, 2004 - 02:55 pm: | |
Bill, Bill, Bill, (wasn't that a hit song once?)
My pen is poised for my review of Den of Deception. I hold it ready. Now I ask myself just how fair and unbiased I am capable of being. And you should ask yourself - do I really want to continue to pick on this lady.
Lynn - do something!
CJ |
Bill Nelson
Wisdom Member
Post Number:
834
Registered: 10-2002
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, December 11, 2004 - 03:33 pm: | |
 kiss, kiss.
bn |
Snarzler
Awareness Member
Post Number:
49
Registered: 07-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Sunday, December 12, 2004 - 05:47 am: | |
A duck walks into a bar... sits down and orders a beer.
The bartender says "get out of here... we don't serve ducks." So the duck gets up and walks out.
Next day the duck walks into the bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "listen...we don't serve ducks... and if you come in here again and ask for a beer I am going to nail your beak to the bar!" So the duck leaves.
'
The next day the duck comes back and says "hey bartender...got any nails?"
Bartender says "no!
Duck replies..."then can i have a beer?"
-----------
A woman was helping her husband set up his
computer, and at the appropriate point in the
process, told him that he would now need to
enter a password.. Something he will use to
log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood
and figured he would try for the shock effect to
bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the
computer asked him to enter his password, he
made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was
keying in
P...
E...
N...
I...
S.
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer
replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
---------------------
A 7 year old boy and his 4 year old brother were upstairs in their bedroom. The 7 year old was explaining that it was high time that the two of them begin swearing.
When his little brother responded enthusiastically, the 7 year old hatched the plan, "When we go down stairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'Hell' and you say 'a s s.' The 4 year old happily agreed.
As the two boys were seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walked in and asked her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast.
The 7 year old replied, "Ah hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios."
"WHACK!" The surprised mother reacted quickly.
The boy ran upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind.
With a sterner voice, the mother then turned to the younger son, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"
"I don't know," the 4 year old blubbered, "but you can bet your a s s it's not gonna be Cheerios."
---------------------
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was
widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came
upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said,
"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your
students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell
me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the
Test of Three Cups."
"Three Cups?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk
to me about my student let's take a moment to
pour out the dregs of what you're going to say
into the three cups, and see what is left"
"The first cup is Truth. Have you made absolutely
sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and....."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or
not. Now let's try the second cup, the cup of Goodness.
Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary...."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him,
even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is
a third cup -- the cup of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about
my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really ......."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither Known
to be True, nor Good, nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high
esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was having an affair
with his wife.
-------------------
There was once a very influential farmer in a remote part of China, who had
a problem. His chickens were losing their feathers and dying. He sought the
counsel of the two wise men in town, Hing, who was scientist, and Ming, who
was a sorcerer.
Hing, who has had many advanced course hours in poultry science, consults
the classic text in poultry disease, "Everything You Always Wanted to Know
About Diseases of Chickens, But Were Afraid to Ask." In the book Hing finds
a reference to the report of a study showing that feeding the chickens with
an infusion of gum tree leaves is often a remedy for chickens losing their
feathers.
Meanwhile Ming reads obscure writings of ancient wise men, he meditates, and
he reads tarot cards and examines the entrails of a pig. Getting no
inspiration he uses his old standby, reading tea leaves. In a spark of
discovery, it comes to him that an infusion of gum tree leaves is the cure.
So the two wise men report back to the influential Chinese farmer. Ming
says, "As gum sticks to tables and chairs, so shall an infusion of gum tree
leaves make feathers stick to chickens." Hing agrees, saying "Studies show
that infusions of gum tree leaves alleviate feather loss in chickens."
The influential Chinese farmer is ecstatic, for the two wisest men in town
are of a single mind. He decides to follow their recommendation. It does not
work.
Moral of the Story: "All of Hing's courses and all of Ming's ken couldn't
get gum tea to feather a hen."
------------------
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since
people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, " it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is
exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is ,therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting
"Oh, my God!"
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY 'A'.
-------------------------
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? So why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
Because I'm up on a Saturday morning at six-thirty am and laughter is the best way to keep from killing family.
If there were no creative people, would life be as interesting? |
Jennifer Lynn
Unity Member
Post Number:
1610
Registered: 03-2002
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Sunday, December 12, 2004 - 09:26 am: | |
LOL good ones, Andrea!
I'm up early editing... ugh. I'd rather be sleeping.
Jenn
Jennifer Lynn
www.jenniferlynn.ca |
Bill Nelson
Wisdom Member
Post Number:
836
Registered: 10-2002
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Sunday, December 12, 2004 - 09:50 am: | |
Andrea, Andrea, Andrea...
Perhaps decaf is in order now!
Those were funny!
Thank you.
BN |
Snarzler
Hunger Member
Post Number:
51
Registered: 07-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Monday, December 13, 2004 - 04:54 am: | |
Chocolate and cranberry zinger work(ed) better.
And now to start another week before Christmas:
----
There are many signs you need to watch out for that could mean you are yet another surf junkie addicted to the internet...
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
You turn off your modem and get this empty feeling, like you just pulled the pin on a loved one.
You start introducing yourself as "Jon at AOL dot com"
Your wife drapes a blonde wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a computer.
You laugh at people with 56,800 baud modems.
You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You tell the cab driver you live at http://69.luck.street/house/bluetrim.html
Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a commode.
You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :^)
You turn on your computer, and turn off your spouse.
Your best friend is someone you've never met.
Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer, and install a second phone line so you can chat.
You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."
Your dog has its own home page.
So does your gold fish.
----------------
If there were no creative people, would life be as interesting? |
Mary Erickson
Hunger Member
Post Number:
95
Registered: 04-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Monday, December 13, 2004 - 10:56 am: | |
Snarzler, that would be really funny if there wasnt't a whole bunch of truth in it.
Mary |
Mary Erickson
Hunger Member
Post Number:
96
Registered: 04-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Monday, December 13, 2004 - 10:57 am: | |
Snarzler, that would be really funny if there weren't a whold bunch of truth in it.
Mary |
Snarzler
Hunger Member
Post Number:
52
Registered: 07-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Monday, December 13, 2004 - 11:20 am: | |
There is no truth, only reality that hasn't been validated.
Andrea
If there were no creative people, would life be as interesting? |
LaurieAnne
Unity Member
Post Number:
1751
Registered: 12-2001
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Wednesday, December 15, 2004 - 04:25 pm: | |
Andrea:
Thanks so much for those laughs. I've been trying to find that exothermic/endothermic one for the last couple of years.
LA
www.authorsinkbooks.com
Available now:
THE BUTTERFLY GAME, Gloria Davidson Marlow ISBN 0-9722385-4-9 trade pb
AN ANGEL IN THE SKIES, Elura Coren ISBN 0-9722385-2-2 ebook
|
Snarzler
Hunger Member
Post Number:
54
Registered: 07-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, December 16, 2004 - 08:22 am: | |
Glad to help.
Laugh in good health; And in bad health-it will help then too.
Andrea
If there were no creative people, would life be as interesting? |
Mary Erickson
Hunger Member
Post Number:
99
Registered: 04-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, December 18, 2004 - 01:05 pm: | |
This one's been around awhile but it's kind of cute, so if anyone missed it:
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........) |
Bill Nelson
Wisdom Member
Post Number:
852
Registered: 10-2002
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, December 18, 2004 - 02:29 pm: | |
Lynn............Lynn............ The corner, the corner.
bn |
cora morace
Awareness Member
Post Number:
15
Registered: 11-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, December 18, 2004 - 03:46 pm: | |
A sing along grin....thanks Mary, for the smiles.
CJ |
cora morace
Awareness Member
Post Number:
20
Registered: 11-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Wednesday, December 22, 2004 - 06:05 pm: | |
A Yiddisha Kop (A Jewish Head)
An old Jewish man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his
potato garden, but it was very laborious work, as the ground was rock
hard.
His only son, Saul, who used to help him, was in prison for Insider
Trading and Stock Fraud. The old man wrote his son a letter and
described his
predicament:
Dear Solly,
I am feeling pretty bad, because it looks like I won't be able to
plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be
over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love,
Papa
A few days later the old man received a letter from his son:
Dear Papa,
For heaven's sake Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried
the money and stocks.
Love,
Solly
At 4:00 am the very next morning, a team of FBI agents and local
police arrived at the old man's house, and dug up the entire garden
area without finding any money or stocks. They apologized to the old
man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son:
Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under
the circumstances.
Love, your son,
Solly |
Claudia Turner VanLydegraf
Mindsight Moderator
Post Number:
1797
Registered: 06-2002
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Wednesday, December 22, 2004 - 06:18 pm: | |
probably a true story. hahahhahhhahhhhha LMAORONTF too funny, thanks Cora!!!
Claudia
MINDSIGHT MODERATOR
|
LaurieAnne
Unity Member
Post Number:
1760
Registered: 12-2001
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Wednesday, December 22, 2004 - 06:41 pm: | |
Ha Ha! Funny one, Cora.
LA
Available now:
THE BUTTERFLY GAME, Gloria Davidson Marlow ISBN 0-9722385-4-9 trade pb
AN ANGEL IN THE SKIES, Elura Coren ISBN 0-9722385-2-2 ebook
|
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