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priceless1
Wisdom Member
Post Number:
512
Registered: 03-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, January 28, 2005 - 07:26 pm: |   |
With all that's flying about, I thought a couple of jokes would be fun:
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week
to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the
other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends
for a long time ...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought
and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name
is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just
stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing
it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was
almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that
she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?"  |
LaurieAnne
Unity Member
Post Number:
1779
Registered: 12-2001
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, January 28, 2005 - 07:46 pm: | |
LMAO!
Those are good.
LA
www.authorsinkbooks.com
OPEN SUBMISSIONS: Random Acts of Kindness
Available now:
THE BUTTERFLY GAME, Gloria Davidson Marlow ISBN 0-9722385-4-9 |
Olen Armstrong
Hsympothai Member
Post Number:
302
Registered: 06-2003
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, January 29, 2005 - 03:24 pm: | |
To add to your collection:
Two elderly ladies saw a news report about a streaker and decided that they needed to do that at least once in their lives.
Doffing their clothes, and wearing nothing but sneakers and smiles, they raced giggling through the main lobby of their retirement home and disappeared out the door.
Two gentlemen playing gin looked up as they ran by.
"Charlie, did you see what those two had on?"
"Nope. Couldn't see clearly," said Charlie. "Whatever it was sure did need to be ironed though."
later.
Olen A |
Snarzler
Hunger Member
Post Number:
75
Registered: 07-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, January 29, 2005 - 07:10 pm: | |
Two more, warning on the second as its a little ooogy.
Old Ladies' Noggins
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"
The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"
-
Permission
An old lady went to the store to buy some food for her dog. Upon reaching the check-out, the clerk told her "I'm sorry ma'am, but the store manager heard that many old ladies on limited incomes buy dog food and eat it themselves. We now have a policy - if you want to buy dog food, you have to show us your dog."
Annoyed, the lady went home, got her faithful Fido, and returned to the store, where they sold her the dog food without question.
The next day, she returned to the store to buy cat food. Again, she's reproached by the cashier: "I'm sorry ma'am, but the store manager heard that many old ladies on limited incomes buy cat food and eat it themselves. We now have a policy - if you want to buy cat food, you have to show us your cat."
Frustrated, the woman stormed home, retrieved her precious fluffy and returned to the store, where she was sold her cat food without further incident.
The next day, the woman returned to the store and strode right up to the cashier with a box in her hand.
"Put your hand in this box," she told the puzzled clerk.
"What's in it?" the clerk asked.
"Just put your hand in here," the lady said.
"No, there's probably something in there that will bite me"
"Nothing will bite you, I promise."
Reluctantly, the clerk put her hand in the box, felt the contents, pulled them out to examine them and let out a scream. Smiling, the old lady asked "now, may I please buy some toilet paper?"
Dakler's Dilemma:
If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper. |
Dennis Collins
Mindsight Moderator
Post Number:
1402
Registered: 06-2002
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Wednesday, February 09, 2005 - 04:23 pm: | |
These are mostly for LA's enjoyment...
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat! a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
----------------------------! ----------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet! Than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
------------------! -------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
Gut, and still think they are sexy. |
LaurieAnne
Unity Member
Post Number:
1790
Registered: 12-2001
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, February 10, 2005 - 07:21 am: | |
Dennis, you naughty boy. You're intentionally trying to get a rise out of me. LOL
Okay:
*****
What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
*****
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Nobody knows. It's never been done.
*****
How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to hold the bulb, and four to pick up the ladder and walk in circles.
*****
What's a man's idea of a 7-course meal?
A hot dog and a six-pack.
*****
Three men find a lamp on the side of the road. While dusting off the dirt to pretend they could read, a genie arose from the neck of the lamp. "Since there are 3 of you, you may each have one wish," the genie smiled.
The first man thought for a moment. "I wish to be the smartest man in America."
POOF! He walked from the field, "To be, or not to be. That is the question."
The second man smiled. "I can do better than that. I wish to be the smartest man in the world." POOF! "E equals m c squared. By george, I think I've got it."
The third man smiled bigger. "Look at those fools. What idiots. Here's my wish. I wish to be 1000 times smarter than either of those two."
The genie shrugged. "Granted!" POOF! "You're a woman."
*****
Husband 1.0
HUSBAND 1.0 There are a lot of pressures to upgrade from Boyfriend 6.0 to Husband 1.0. However before doing so make sure you understand the implications of this change...
For one, system activity will be severely limited and you will be compelled to instigate rigorous daily routines in space management, garbage disposal and disc cleaning often with an accompanying increase in system administration. This program can also be a drain on many resources and demand constant attention. You will encounter an increased amount of interrupts and error messages, while the program often cancels processes without warning, very often crashing the system. In addition, Husband 1.0 often refuses to respond to your commands and frequently appears to be running processes which you have not authorized. If this happens a lot, do not respond to any interactive requests from the program and severely limit demand for extra bytes.
Every evening there will be a huge surge in demand for megabytes and if not satisfied, the process will become unresponsive and has been known on occasion to damage hardware.
Every so often you will be promised a new release of the program, but unfortunately, upon loading this new release, it is generally found to be almost identical to the old one, with very few feature changes and most of the same old annoying bugs which you were undoubtedly promised would not be there in the new release. Put up with it or discontinue use entirely. Husband 1.0 is a flawed program; many of the bugs are so deeply encoded that, even if they can be located, they are impossible to eradicate and have to be tolerated.
Husband 1.0 will frequently make use of low level language and may not understand higher level commands so you must be prepared to use basic functions when required. Often a few robust algorithms in handshaking mode will produce a good response.
After a while, Husband 1.0 has a tendency to take up more space than originally allocated, often spreading in size and slowing down correspondingly. If this happens, be very careful as there is increased risk of complete system failure. Around this time, Husband 1.0 will also tend to lose bits from the top of the stack, although these will often multiply and be found lower down the stack.
Another problem with this program is that Husband 1.0 can also spawn unknown child processes, which can sometimes inadvertently appear, make huge demands on the program and force unwanted interaction with old versions of 1.nightstand.
Sometimes, Husband 1.0 will end a process prematurely, before you have the required result. This generally results in spawned processes scattered over your system which must be located and removed. More often than not, however, Husband 1.0 will appear to take an inordinately long time to complete a relatively simple process. While waiting for tedious processes to complete you may find it useful to distract yourself by perusing manuals for alternative programs, Stud 2.0 or Lover 6.9
On completion of a process, Husband 1.0 will often inadvertently apply the sleep command, or suspend system activity with a Ctrl ZZ. There is nothing you can do in this case, but leave the program and try again later.
Ultimately, as the program becomes older, it will become more difficult to produce hardcopy, and you will find that most of you work ends up on floppies. In addition, you will be needing software support more often than you'd like. If and when this happens, try to find a copy of Toyboy 1.1. Make sure you have used Ctrl ZZ on Husband 1.0 before loading Toyboy 1.1 and, of course, check for viruses before using any new program. Toyboy 1.1 should come with new hardware which can be plugged into any of your ports.
*****
Oh, but I could go on. LOL
Enjoy, boys.
LA
OPEN SUBMISSIONS: Random Acts of Kindness
Available now:
THE BUTTERFLY GAME, Gloria Davidson Marlow ISBN 0-9722385-4-9 |
LaurieAnne
Unity Member
Post Number:
1791
Registered: 12-2001
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, February 10, 2005 - 07:27 am: | |
Those who don't know me won't recognize that this is all mostly in jest. All fun and games. Overall, I am a nice (enough) person. But it's just too much fun to spar with the best. LA
******************************************************
Q: Why do men become smarter during sex?
A: Because they are plugged into a genius.
Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A: They won't stop for directions.
Q: Why did God put men on earth?
A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to put them in.
Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.
Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.
Q: Why do men masturbate?
A: It's sex with someone they love.
Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Q: Why did God make men before women?
A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.
Q: Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
A: So he can tell if he is coming or going.
Q: How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
A: Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.
Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
A: What men know about women.
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. Men will screw anything.
Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner.
Q: What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A: A half hour of begging.
Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually aroused?
A: He's breathing
Q: What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A: Government bonds mature.
Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
A: Take your foot off of his head.
Q: What do men an beer bottle have in common?
A: They are both empty from the head up.
Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?
A: Who cares?
Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: The good ones are always taken and the only ones left are handicapped.
***************************************************
And of course, on the other side of the field:
Benefits of Being a Woman
We got off the Titanic first.
We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
We can cry and get off speeding fines.
We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
Taxis stop for us.
Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
Free drinks, free dinners.
We can hug our friends without wondering if they're gay.
We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
If we're not making enough money we can blame the glass ceiling.
It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.
If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.
We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
OPEN SUBMISSIONS: Random Acts of Kindness
Available now:
THE BUTTERFLY GAME, Gloria Davidson Marlow ISBN 0-9722385-4-9 |
Sheila Schmidt
Wisdom Member
Post Number:
604
Registered: 05-2002
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, February 10, 2005 - 09:01 am: | |
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Oh my gosh, LA!! I'm rolling!! Those were great!
Sheila |
Bill Nelson
Wisdom Member
Post Number:
998
Registered: 10-2002
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, February 10, 2005 - 09:16 am: | |
Female Chauvinist Sows!
Men of the world, UNITE!
Bill Nelson
RISEN, ISBN 1-93301616-4
Behler Publications |
Snarzler
Hunger Member
Post Number:
91
Registered: 07-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, February 10, 2005 - 10:29 am: | |
Right after the next game there Bill.
Andrea 
Internal Memo: "You'd better learn proper grammar. You'll need it when you apply for parole." |
LaurieAnne
Unity Member
Post Number:
1792
Registered: 12-2001
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, February 10, 2005 - 03:23 pm: | |
Gee, Bill, I resemble that remark. ;)
LA
www.authorsinkbooks.com/Kindness.htm
OPEN SUBMISSIONS: Random Acts of Kindness
Available now:
THE BUTTERFLY GAME, Gloria Davidson Marlow ISBN 0-9722385-4-9 |
Bill Nelson
Unity Member
Post Number:
1004
Registered: 10-2002
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, February 12, 2005 - 10:03 am: | |
What do you expect from such simple creatures as men?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO T-shirt to
a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one
is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental -- $100. People never stare at your
chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood -- all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
minutes
No wonder men are happier
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill Nelson
RISEN, ISBN 1-93301616-4
Behler Publications |
Todd Hunter
Mindsight Moderator
Post Number:
2224
Registered: 02-2003
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, February 12, 2005 - 02:49 pm: | |
"You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt."
Righty, tighty...Lefty, loosey...everyone should know that...
Mindsight Moderator
Check out Who Needs a Hero?
|
Snarzler
Hunger Member
Post Number:
92
Registered: 07-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, February 12, 2005 - 03:20 pm: | |
That is NOT the way we screwed her down!
Andrea 
Internal Memo: "You'd better learn proper grammar. You'll need it when you apply for parole." |
Tom Elkins
Awareness Member
Post Number:
17
Registered: 01-2005
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, February 22, 2005 - 07:10 am: | |
High on my list of favorites are two Paul Harvey closers:
"There are three kinds of people in the world - those who can count, and those who can't."
and...
"The Washington Bullets professional basketball team is changing its name. They got sick and tired of being associated with crime and violence. So henceforth the team will be known simply as..........The Bullets."
te
Tom Elkins
NORTH of TEXAS |
poker casino8 (Unregistered Guest)
Work-in-progress guest
Posted From: jaguar.balmazujvaros.hu
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Monday, March 06, 2006 - 11:58 am: | |
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