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Kevin P. Grover
Wisdom Member
Post Number:
906
Registered: 03-2002
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, September 09, 2003 - 01:55 pm: |   |
Got this from my sister-in-law and thought I'd share:
MARRIAGE (PART I)
A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and, after the
wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I
want, and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I
expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my
old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my
rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that
there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here
or not."
MARRIAGE (PART II)
A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -Cold As Ever.'"
"Yeah?!" she replies. "When you die, I'm! getting you a headstone that
reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
MARRIAGE (PART III)
A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The
husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either,"
and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after
many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to
answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"What are you doing in bed at this hour?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
MARRIAGE (PART IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so
proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in
spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party The man decides
that it's time to go home and wants to fin! d out if his wife is ready to
leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home,
Mother of six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right
back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
MARRIAGE (PART V)
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a
double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks
inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another
double martini.
After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and
asks the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says,
"Look, buddy, I'll bring ya martinis all night long. But you gotta tell
me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to
look good, then I know it's time to go home."
MARRIAGE (PART VI)
A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor told
her she needed more cardiovascular activity, and recommended that she
engage in sexual activity three times a week. A bit embarrassed, she
said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband."
The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his
wife needed sex three times a week. The 80-year-old husband replied,
"Which days?"
The doctor answered, "Monday, Wednesday, and Friday would be ideal. The
husband said, "I can bring her on Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays,
she'll have to take the bus."
www.winterwolfpublishing.com |
Sheila Schmidt
Hsympothai Member
Post Number:
311
Registered: 05-2002
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, September 09, 2003 - 02:38 pm: | |
A man picks up his paycheck on Friday, and instead of going home to give it to his wife to deposit as usual, he decides to take his buddies out for a few drinks. Before he knows it, it is 3am. His buddies convince him that it would be safer for him to just go home with them and spend the night instead of going home and face an angry wife. So he does. The next morning when he gets up he is planning on going home, but they talk him into going fishing with them. It is so late at night when they get back home and they have had so much beer to drink that he again decides for the sake of his marriage he will stay the night with them again.
Finally he comes dragging home on Sunday afternoon, hung over like crazy, and hoping that his wife will not be mad, but instead be relieved that he is ok. When he comes in the door she starts yelling at him. "Where have you been?!? What have you been doing?! Where the hell were you all weekend long?!?! How would you like it if you didn't see me for three days??" To which he replys with a severe headache just made worse by all of the screaming, "I think that would be great".
So...Monday came and went and he didn't see her. Tuesday came and went and he didn't see her. Wednesday came and went and he didn't see her. By Thursday the swelling on the right side was down enough were he could barely see her out of the corner of his right eye! |
Kevin P. Grover
Wisdom Member
Post Number:
911
Registered: 03-2002
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, September 12, 2003 - 08:06 am: | |
More humor....
A North Carolina Woman
An old North Carolina woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish Charlotte City Building, when two young and beautiful women get into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. The little old NC woman says, "My, what nice aromas!"
One turns to the old NC woman and says "You should wish you could afford some of this. Romance by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"
The other young woman also turns to the old Woman saying, arrogantly, "Channel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"
The little old woman is feeling very insulted from the remarks made to her. About 3 floors later, the old NC woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both women in the eye, bends over, farts and says... "Cabbage... 49 cents a pound."
www.winterwolfpublishing.com |
LaurieAnne
Unity Member
Post Number:
1039
Registered: 12-2001
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Wednesday, September 24, 2003 - 08:57 pm: | |
Subject: SUNDAY MORNING SEX
UPON HEARING THAT HER ELDERLY GRANDFATHER HAD JUST PASSED AWAY KATIE WENT STRAIGHT TO HER GRANDPARENT'S HOUSE TO VISIT HER 95 YEAR OLD GRANDMOTHER AND COMFORT HER. WHEN SHE ASKED HOW HER GRANDFATHER HAD DIED, HER GRANDMOTHER REPLIED " HE HAD A HEART ATTACK WHILE WE WERE MAKING LOVE ON SUNDAY MORNING"
HORRIFIED, KATIE TOLD HER GRANDMOTHER THAT 2 PEOPLE NEARLY 100 YEARS OLD HAVING SEX WOULD SURELY BE ASKING FOR TROUBLE. "OH NO, MY DEAR," REPLIED GRANNY.
"MANY YEARS AGO, REALIZING OUR ADVANCED AGE, WE FIGURED OUT THE BEST TIME TO DO IT WAS WHEN THE CHURCH BELLS WOULD START TO RING. IT WAS JUST THE RIGHT RHYTHM. NICE AND SLOW AND EVEN. NOTHING TOO STRENUOUS, SIMPLY: IN ON THE DING AND OUT ON THE DONG."
SHE PAUSED TO WIPE AWAY A TEAR, AND CONTINUED, "AND IF THE DAMNED ICE CREAM TRUCK HADN'T COME ALONG, HE'D STILL BE ALIVE TODAY."
LaurieAnne
http://www.authorsinkbooks.com |
Kevin P. Grover
Wisdom Member
Post Number:
918
Registered: 03-2002
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, September 25, 2003 - 07:48 am: | |
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
And finally, this is too good not to pass on...
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
"Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?” she asks, confused by the items.
He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes. She came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers, telling me that it's so much cheaper. So...I figure if I have to roll my own...so does she.
www.winterwolfpublishing.com |
Olen Armstrong
Hunger Member
Post Number:
91
Registered: 06-2003
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, September 25, 2003 - 10:10 am: | |
A newlywed couple finally got home and the very-macho husband took off his pants, handed them to his wife and said, "Here put these on."
The pants were of course too big to stay up on her. He proclaimed, "That's so you'll remember who wears the pants around here."
She quietly striped naked and handed him her panties.
"Put them on," she said.
After several minutes of fruitless tugging, he said, "I can't get INTO your pants."
"That's right," she said, "and that's how it's gonna be, until you straighten up your attitude."
>Olen A<
9-11-01
Never forget....Never forgive |
Olen Armstrong
Wandering Member
Post Number:
106
Registered: 06-2003
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, November 08, 2003 - 05:51 pm: | |
Found this on the web and stole it. Personalized it, had my wife read it, and am now in the dog-house (just a little).
It was worth it.
****************************
> 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If I forget and leave it up, put it down. I need it up, you need it down. You don't hear me complaining about you leaving it down.
> 2. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Just let it be.
> 3. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, I'm NEVER going to think of it that way. EVER.
> 4. Crying is blackmail. Unfair, unfair.
> 5. Ask for what you want. Let me be clear on this one: Subtle hints do NOT work! Strong hints do NOT work! Obvious hints do NOT work! Just SAY it!
> 6. "Yes" and "No" are both perfectly acceptable answers to almost any question.
> 7. Come to me with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what I do. That's what ALL men do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
> 8. Anything I said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
> 9. If something I said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, I meant the other one.
> 10. You can either ask me to do something, or tell me how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, then just do it yourself.
> 11. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
> 12. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, neither do I.
> 13. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. I have no idea what mauve is. Scarlet, crimson, cherry, they're all RED to me.
> 14. If I ask what's wrong, and you say "nothing," then I'll act like nothing's wrong. I know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
> 15. If you ask a question you don't want me to answer, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
> 16. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine with me... Really.
> 17. Don't ask me what I'm thinking about unless you're prepared to discuss such topics as the designated hitter rule, computers, the shotgun formation, monster trucks, or dead animals.
> 18. You have enough clothes. (for FIVE women at least)
> 19. You have too MANY shoes.
> 20. I'm in shape. "Round" is a shape. Just let it be.
> 21. Thank you, sweetheart, for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But, did you know, men really don't mind that sometimes? It's like camping out.
>Olen A<
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Fred Dungan
Hsympothai Member
Post Number:
412
Registered: 10-2002
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Sunday, November 09, 2003 - 09:35 pm: | |
I've been married twice and it's not funny. How many times does it take before you begin to appreciate the humor?
http://www.fdungan.com |
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