| Author |
Message |
    
Kevin P. Grover
Unity Member
Post Number:
1044
Registered: 03-2002
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Wednesday, February 11, 2004 - 08:27 am: |   |
Military Oaths of Enlistment
All persons, upon entering Military Service and upon reenlistment, are required to take the Oath of Enlistment. At one time, the Oath of Enlistment was the same for all services. Due to changes in both society and the differing Military Branches, the Oath has undergone marked change and has been specifically tailored to each branch of the Military and their specific function. Here are the latest versions of the Oath of Enlistment as recently released by the Joint Chiefs of Staff:
United States Air Force Oath of Enlistment
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over waist-deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services.
I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me God!"
US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date.
I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a court-martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my Sexual.....er.....I mean "Basic Training," I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY."
I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!"
US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer, and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, geedunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet."
I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!"
US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (pick a name the police won't recognize), swear..uhhhh....high- and-tight.... grunt... cammies....kill.... fix bayonets....charge....slash....dig....burn.... blowup....ugh...Air Force women....beer..... sailors wives.....air strikes.... yes SIR!....whiskey....liberty call....salute.... Ooorah Gunny....grenades...women....OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!"
www.winterwolfpublishing.com |
Dragon Protector
Awareness Member
Post Number:
16
Registered: 01-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, February 13, 2004 - 10:27 am: | |
 Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the
Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot
and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs,
bacon,etc.,but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried
eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.
It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys
get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to
wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they
break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm
about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in
Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other
fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter, Gail
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Harry Simenon
Awareness Member
Post Number:
46
Registered: 10-2003
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Monday, February 16, 2004 - 01:40 pm: | |
Would you Marry me, Gail? |
Tulla
Awareness Member
Post Number:
24
Registered: 12-2003
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, February 17, 2004 - 11:52 am: | |
I'm afraid I would have to pass Harry. To be honest I don't think you have enough meat on your bones to handle this scrawny gal.
Yours truely,
Gail |
Fred Dungan
Wisdom Member
Post Number:
547
Registered: 10-2002
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, February 19, 2004 - 10:07 pm: | |
The size of a dog has nothing to do with its spirit.
http://www.fdungan.com/vigilantes.htm
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Harry Simenon
Awareness Member
Post Number:
49
Registered: 10-2003
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Sunday, February 22, 2004 - 08:04 am: | |
But Gail! I will even mow your back! |
Fred Dungan
Wisdom Member
Post Number:
554
Registered: 10-2002
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Sunday, February 22, 2004 - 10:05 pm: | |
That's all well and fine, but are you willing to mow it twice a week?
http://www.fdungan.com/troll.htm |
Tulla
Awareness Member
Post Number:
28
Registered: 12-2003
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Monday, February 23, 2004 - 12:00 pm: | |
Dear Hairy~
Its not the back that is the issue, its the doo I hate to admit to it.
Gail  |
Harry Simenon
Awareness Member
Post Number:
50
Registered: 10-2003
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Wednesday, February 25, 2004 - 10:03 am: | |
I will use an umbrella and safety goggles if I have to mow near your butt. |
Dennis Collins
Mindsight Moderator
Post Number:
582
Registered: 06-2002
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Wednesday, February 25, 2004 - 11:51 am: | |
Speaking of military humor...
There is a story about "Parents Day" at the Great Lakes Naval Training center near Waukegan, IL.
On Parents day, there is an unusually large group of civilians wandering about the base. At the end of lunch hour, the loudspekers throughout the facility announced the time this way...
"For all Naval Personnel it is now thirteen hundred hours. For our civilian guests, it is one PM. For the Marines on the base, the big hand is on the twelve and the little hand is on the one. |
Dennis Collins
Mindsight Moderator
Post Number:
583
Registered: 06-2002
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Wednesday, February 25, 2004 - 11:57 am: | |
Another one...
During the second world war, the Battleship Missouri, the mightiest and most recognizable battleship in the world, was approaching Gibralter.
The lighthouse on top of the Rock of Gibralter sent out the semaphore, "What ship? What ship?"
The skipper of the MO (who happened to be a Rear Admiral) ordered the response, "What rock? What rock?" |
Kevin P. Grover
Unity Member
Post Number:
1059
Registered: 03-2002
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, February 28, 2004 - 11:53 am: | |
This one is funny. A good example of what goes around comes around. (even if it is an "urban legend", I wouldn't put it past ANY lawyer!)
THIS IS THE BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY.
A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued... and WON! (Stay with me.)
In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer "held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires".
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA! NO WONDER THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES THINK WE'RE NUTS.
(Again, even though an urban legend...you wonder how many have THOUGHT ABOUT DOING IT!)
www.winterwolfpublishing.com |
Claudia Turner VanLydegraf
Mindsight Moderator
Post Number:
867
Registered: 06-2002
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, February 28, 2004 - 12:44 pm: | |
Great story Kevin!!!
Claudia |
LaurieAnne
Unity Member
Post Number:
1313
Registered: 12-2001
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, April 02, 2004 - 01:25 pm: | |
Redneck Valentine
Collards is green,
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.
You have some'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight
like a ! padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey,
these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special,
you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds...
IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!
LaurieAnne
|
LaurieAnne
Unity Member
Post Number:
1314
Registered: 12-2001
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, April 02, 2004 - 01:28 pm: | |
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hotsummer's day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple, when all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes,but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair.
That everyone is honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible.
I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
I want to live simple again.
I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
So . . . here's my checkbook and my car keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood.
And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause........
"Tag! You're it."
LaurieAnne
|
Bill Nelson
Awareness Member
Post Number:
41
Registered: 10-2002
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, April 03, 2004 - 07:50 am: | |
Two students from Texas A&M were hunting.
As they walked single file through the woods, the one in the rear tripped on a tree root, dropped his rifle and it discharged, hitting the other in the back.
The Aggie was frantic and jerked out his cell phone, dialing 911. When they answered, he screamed, "I've shot my partner, I've killed him! Help!"
"Now calm down sir. Where was he shot?"
"Here in the woods, I told you, I killed him."
"Sir, calm down, help is on the way"
"Hurry, he's just layin' there bleedin'"
"Okay, sir. Now listen to me, if we're going to help, you must calm down.
First, make sure he's dead."
Silence on the phone.
"Sir, sir, are you there?"
Suddenly the sound of a rifle going off.
Aggie comes back on the phone, panting,
"Okay, what now?" |
Bill Nelson
Hunger Member
Post Number:
62
Registered: 10-2002
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Wednesday, April 14, 2004 - 04:15 pm: | |
C.E. is dying!
His wife is holding his hand,cooing and rubbing his forehead.
"I..." he tries to speak.
"Hush, my darling, rest," she says.
"No, I must tell you..."
"Be quiet, my love, rest."
"But, I have to confess..."
"No, it's all okay, just be still."
"You don't understand. I can't go out like this. I have to tell you that I slept with your sister,our neighbors, on both sides, your best friend, your aunt and your mother."
"I know darling, just be still and let the poison work."
bn |
C. E. Winterland
Mindsight Moderator
Post Number:
1434
Registered: 06-2002
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Wednesday, April 14, 2004 - 05:26 pm: | |
Woah! I get around, eh? Sheesh!
Next time I see my ex-wife, I'll have to clue her in on some faster poisons... I mean, we got divorced 3 years ago, and it hasn't kilt me yet!
 |
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