| Author |
Message |
    
Kevin P. Grover
Unity Member
Post Number:
1184
Registered: 03-2002
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, June 01, 2004 - 06:44 am: |   |
This one is for all of who:
a) have kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) know a kid!
As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a sad and devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "My booger's gone."
*^**^*^*^*^*^*^*
THE MECHANIC
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was waiting for the service manager to take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its 'heart', take valves out, fix'em, put'em back in; and when I finish, it works just like new... So how come I get such a measly salary and you get the really big bucks when you and I are doing basically the same kind of work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."
*^*^*^*^*^*
There was a German, an Italian and a Redneck on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
1) to be shot
2) to be hung
3) to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head."
Bang! He was immediately gone.
Then the Redneck said, "Just hang me."
Snap! He was dead as well.
Then the Italian said, "Give me the AIDS shot." They gave him the injection, and the Italian fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy. Then the Italian said, "Go ahead...give me another one!" So the guards did.
Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he was doubled over.
Finally the warden said, "What's wrong with you?"
The Italian replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom!"
^*^*^*^*^*^*
The "Hangover"
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that!
Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"
A self-induced hangover - $100.00
Broken furniture - $200.00
Breakfast - $10.00
Saying the right thing - Priceless
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*
And finally
Dear Abby,
My husband is not happy with my mood swings.
The other day, he bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big ugly red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
Sincerely,
Bitchy in Boston
www.winterwolfpublishing.com |
Jennifer Lynn
Unity Member
Post Number:
1260
Registered: 03-2002
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, June 01, 2004 - 07:03 am: | |
ROFL... Ahhh, the best way to start the day.
Cranky in Calgary
(just kidding.. but I prefer diamonds too)
Jennifer Lynn
www.jenniferlynn.ca |
Trina Green
Hunger Member
Post Number:
66
Registered: 03-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, June 01, 2004 - 01:25 pm: | |
Oh I loved them all, though the drunk one confused me for a moment. Thanks for the laugh. |
Mary Erickson
Awareness Member
Post Number:
19
Registered: 04-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Sunday, June 06, 2004 - 08:02 pm: | |
This one's for the ladies.
Her Rose Tattoo
>
>
> Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting
> their hair done when in walks a young chick with a
> very low cut blouse that revealed a rose tattooed
> on one boob.
>
> One lady leaned over to the other and said, "She doesn't
> know it, but in 50 years she'll be wearing a long stemmed
> rose in a hanging basket."
>
|
Kevin Yarbrough
Wandering Member
Post Number:
135
Registered: 03-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Monday, June 07, 2004 - 03:21 pm: | |
A man was driving home late one night when his tire blew out, pulling over he gets ut and opens the trunk. The jack was missing. He decides to walk down the road looking for a gas station when he sees a car parked on the side of the road, the windows foggy. Knocking on the window a man rolls it down.
"I'm sorry to bother you, but my car has a flat and I don't have a jack. Can I use yours?" The man in the car thinks for a second and then smiles.
"I need a break from all of this kissing and making out, so how about we switch places? I will change your tire and you can take over here for me." The driver with a flat tire gets a big grin on his face.
"You got a deal," getting in the car he starts making out with the woman, her face hidden in the darkness. A few minutes later a cop pulls up and knocks on the window, shining his flashlight inside. The man looks at the woman and then rolls down the window.
"What do you guys think you are doing?" The cop asks.
"I'm just trying to put the spark back in my marriage,"
"Oh, didn't know that was your wife." The cop replied.
"Neither did I until you shown your light on her."
**********************
God saw Heaven was getting really crowded and decided to start a new rule. To get into Heaven you had to have at least one bad day. This rule will take affect at 12:00 am. At 12:01 am a man comes up to the pearly gates and Peter says,
"You have to have had at least one bad day to get into Heaven," the man looks at him.
"One bad day? I came home from work early and saw my wife in the apartment topless. I just knew there was a man there so I check everywhere, out on the balcony I see fingers holding on to the balcony. Walking outside I look down and see a man hanging there, 25 stories up. I'm mad so I start stomping on his fingers. He lets go and falls, crashes into a tree, bounces off of every branch and lands on the ground, face upm alive. Now I'm really mad and look for something to drop on him. Seeing the refrigerator I push it out and push it over the balcony, it lands on the guy and kills him."
"That is a bad day," Peter said. "You can enter."
Now another man walks up and Peter tells him the same thing.
"A bad day?" The new man says. "I was excersing on my 26th floor balcony when I fell off, I grabbed a hold of the balcony below me but some crazy man starts jumping on my fingers. I fall and hit a tree, bouncing off of every branch before crashing to the ground face up. The a damn refrigerator falls on me."
Peter tries no to laugh and says. "Okay, that is a bad day, you can enter."
After that another man comes up and Peter tells him the same thing.
"One bad day?" The new guy asks.
"Yes, just one."
"Well, I was hiding in a refrigerator naked....."
Kevin
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LaurieAnne
Unity Member
Post Number:
1491
Registered: 12-2001
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Monday, June 07, 2004 - 03:36 pm: | |
Yarbrough--
That first one just pissed me off and grossed me out at the same time. But the second one was hilarious.
LA
LaurieAnne
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Molly Brent
Awareness Member
Post Number:
43
Registered: 03-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Monday, June 07, 2004 - 07:11 pm: | |
Okay here's my joke.
A space ship lands in small town Mississippi on a Sunday afternoon. Streets were bare.....the Martians thought a gas pump was an Earthling.....
The big Martian points his ray gun a the gas pump, "take me to your leader."
over and over again ......with no response.......finally he says it one last time. "If you don't take me to your leader, I am going to blow you away with my ray gun." No response so the big Martian blew him away with the ray gun.
Four city blocks of underground gasoline went up in flames.......
the little Martian was standing there, looking up at the big Martian, all charred and smoking and said.... "I knew that was one mean sob when I saw his pecker sticking in his ear."
Molly |
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