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Bill Nelson
Unity Member
Post Number:
2242
Registered: 10-2002
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, August 11, 2006 - 09:20 am: |   |
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad,can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him
into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed.
I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!" "Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?"
she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my
mostloving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,"
she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced.
"We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter
of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think
she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second
later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried
several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern
here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb,for God's sake.)
The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I
speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate.
Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my
wife.
"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle.And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's
just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled
the lizards and our son back into the car.
He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told
me.
"Oh, you have NO idea,"
Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
_Author Unknown_ |
Claudia Turner VanLydegraf
Mindsight Moderator
Post Number:
2827
Registered: 06-2002
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, August 11, 2006 - 09:57 am: | |
book of humorous anecdotes at Borders, $19.95
watching last comic standing on tv $ --00--
reading joke on internet, especially a joke as good as this one $ --PRICELESS--
thank you Bill.....
Claudia
MINDSIGHT MODERATOR
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Tom Elkins
Wisdom Member
Post Number:
517
Registered: 01-2005
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, August 11, 2006 - 01:03 pm: | |
Old joke -
A kid was digging a hole in the back yard. The neighbor, peering across the fence, asked, "What are you doing, son?"
Kid said, "I'm burying my goldfish."
Neighbor: "That's a mighty big hole for a goldfish."
Kid: "Yessir. It's in your cat."
Tom Elkins
NORTH of TEXAS
www.authorsden.com/tomelkins |
Mike Manno
Wandering Member
Post Number:
120
Registered: 11-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, August 11, 2006 - 02:57 pm: | |
Great story, Bill. I'm still laughing.
Mike Manno
"Murder Most Holy"
Five Star -- June 2006
http://mikemanno.com |
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