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Dystopias (Unregistered Guest)
Work-in-progress guest
Posted From: c-24-9-96-117.client.comcast.net
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, March 29, 2005 - 09:09 pm: |   |
Hello. I've no formal training and just wrote this in five min. last night. i've never been happy with my prose but would like other's input. Is this something interesting? is it crap? i realize it's not too much to go on, but should give a general idea. please, be brutally honest. thx. -Angels Never Die
He had a hard time explaining it, even to himself. The thoughts would build, slowly at first, then faster, faster. Like a tidal wave rushing towards land, his thoughts would come. And as they broke on the rocky shore of his mind he understood it all. Everything. Complete clarity. He felt at peace with himself, with the world. There were no worries, no hidden torments, nothing that he did not comprehend. Everything was good and all the mistakes of his past were erased.
And then nothing. Darkness. He was left with only the faint impression of the perfect existence, but unable to even form a memory of the experience in his mind. He was only aware that it had happened and that now he was left wallowing in ignorance. Like Adam, expelled from Eden, what hurt most was the knowledge that he had paradise – and lost it.
This is how he lived his life. With complete disdain for it. But in this he had found his raison d’etre: perfection. Aware of its existence the only thing he could do was strive for it, even if he knew it was an impossibility.
It was because of this that he found himself standing at the river’s edge, smoking a cigarette, looking out into the gray, sunless afternoon sky.
Michael had never been good at wasting time. If he had nothing to do, he found that he sucked at improvising. Perhaps that’s why he smoked. It provided an activity to fill the void. Putting his forearms on the railing, he looked down at the river ten feet below him. The murky water reflected the sky which made it murkier still.
“Let’s go.”
Michael and Jose started walking in the direction of Michael’s car. “He’s got it?” Micheal asked, flicking his cigarette over the rail, into the river.
“Yeah.” As they hoped in the car Michael turned down the volume on the radio and asked where they were headed. “SW Park,” Jose said, lighting a smoke, “and Madison.” Mike punched up the volume two notches too high and peeled out, turning down Madison. |
Richard Taylor
Awareness Member
Post Number:
28
Registered: 10-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Wednesday, March 30, 2005 - 07:45 am: | |
Is it crap? Maybe. But so what? First drafts from even the best writers are frequently "crap" compared to the final result.
The art of writing is the art of RE-writing -- that's where the "crap" becomes "shinola."
Richard Taylor
"Virtual Control" -- available from Behler Publications
http://www.behlerpublications.com/titles-taylor.asp
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Laurel Johnson
Unity Member
Post Number:
3821
Registered: 01-2002
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Wednesday, March 30, 2005 - 08:09 am: | |
I enjoy knowing the inner workings of a character's mind, so I liked it. It has a quietly contemplative ring that lets me know as reader the story could go in almost any direction.
Laurel Johnson
Author: The Grass Dance
The Alley of Wishes
Color of Laughter, Color of Tears
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LaurieAnne
Unity Member
Post Number:
1870
Registered: 12-2001
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Wednesday, March 30, 2005 - 05:09 pm: | |
To be simple: What she said.
I found myself interestingly intrigued with the desire to know what it is exactly the "he's got" and who exactly is "he". The tale has the potential to go in any direction, and toward any genre at this junture.
LA
www.authorsinkbooks.com
OPEN SUBMISSIONS: Random Acts of Kindness
Available now:
THE BUTTERFLY GAME, Gloria Davidson Marlow ISBN 0-9722385-4-9 |
Gloria Marlow
Unity Member
Post Number:
1453
Registered: 04-2002
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Wednesday, March 30, 2005 - 05:49 pm: | |
I really liked it and was intrigued. Laurel said it best.
The Butterfly Game
Flowers for Megan
Shades of Silence (coming soon)
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Frederick A. Babb
Hsympothai Member
Post Number:
341
Registered: 04-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Wednesday, March 30, 2005 - 11:11 pm: | |
It is a good start and, as it is said, the journey of a thousand miles starts with one single step. Likewise, the journey to write a story starts with writing the first word. You have a good start; now it is how deep the desire to continue burns within you. I say you should continue.
Preview books: http://www.frederickbabb.bravehost.com |
F.E. Mazur
Hunger Member
Post Number:
62
Registered: 02-2005
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, March 31, 2005 - 04:59 am: | |
I read it for flow and I didn't stumble. |
cora morace
Wandering Member
Post Number:
108
Registered: 11-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, March 31, 2005 - 04:10 pm: | |
Good suspenseful beginning with lots of potential. Think I'd lighten up on the metaphors a bit....It's very strong and deep...the action that follows will have to be equalling compelling and immediate - you've set a rapid pace with this opening. Just my opinions,
CJ |
Angels Never Die
Awareness Member
Post Number:
1
Registered: 03-2005
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, March 31, 2005 - 07:58 pm: | |
thanks for the input. i guess i'm going through a bit of artistic withdrawl (damn the economy) and thought i'd try my hand at writing. in any case i was wondering if people would say stick to your day job, or it's not horrible enough to stop. i do appreciate the comments and will continue it. i've also joined this site so i'm sure you'll see me around! thanks
-Antoine |
poker casino296 (Unregistered Guest)
Work-in-progress guest
Posted From: 202.88.129.254
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Monday, March 06, 2006 - 03:44 pm: | |
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