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Kardas Willhelm Fox
Awareness Member
Post Number:
1
Registered: 07-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, July 21, 2006 - 08:34 pm: |   |
This is a short story I wrote a couple of years ago, when my writing was weak and unstructured. Recently I performed many minor revisions, but there is only so much I can do without completely rewriting it. At some point I would like to write a sequil, but I don't have any ideas so if anyone else does feel free to share.
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Dracchus was laying outside his tent, staring at the stars but began to doze off. His eyelids became heavy and sleep took over him. Minutes later, a cold nose on his neck woke him up. Dracchus opened his eyes to see a wolf, the moonlight making her black fur seem to glow. He jumped, she hopped back and growled for a few seconds but then stopped, coming closer to him again. He backed up until he was against a tree but she kept advancing, seeming curious rather than hostile.
She eyed him inquisitively and sniffed at his neck, he wished he was elsewhere. After a few moments, she did not attack him. He looked at her in the same way she was looking at him-with a curious wonder at the unexpected situation. She had expected to have been shot or captured and he had expected to have been eaten or mauled.
After nearly ten minutes of blank staring, Dracchus reached out a trembling hand, she tensed suspiciously but did not run or bite him. His hand settled on her cheek, as he reveled in the softness of her fur, she stayed tense, not really trusting him but no longer knowing why she shouldn't. He stroked from her cheek down her neck and across her back as far as he could reach before returning his hand to her cheek and starting again.
She emitted a pleasant mrring noise and began to lose her defensive attitude, becoming less tense around him. He continued to pet her and she continued to relax, eventually laying across his lap and nuzzling his belly while he pet her. In just a short time the two of them had grown very attached to each other, each felt the other was perfect in every way.
Dracchus eventually coaxed the beautiful she-wolf off of his lap and headed back to his tent. She followed, not wanting to return to the harsh life of a wolf without a pack, she didn't want to be a loner anymore. The human crawled into his tent, but before he could zip it up, the wolf followed. He gestured for her to leave, but she didn't. He smiled and decided it would be nice to have some company after all the years of being a social outcast.
He laid on top of his sleeping bag and she curled up to him. He held her and ran his fingers through the lovely soft fur on her back while she licked his neck. He smiled and kissed her forehead, causing her to mrr again. He realized that he was sweating and not because it was hot or because he was afraid. He had fallen for her, and she seemed to feel the same way. They eventually fell asleep cuddling.
The next day, Dracchus packed up his camping gear and stuck it in his truck. He didn't want to leave his new lover, but he had work the next day and needed to get back to the city. The she-wolf watched in wonder as the shelter she'd slept in the night before was reduced to only sticks and what looked like a giant leaf in just a few minutes and packed away.
Once everything was packed, Dracchus opened the driver seat of his truck. The wolf hopped in before him. He tried to coax her out of the truck but she wouldn't budge, so he gave in again and drove her to his house with the full intention of bringing her back should she pine for the woods.
Once they got home, he put away all of the camping stuff and gave his new "wife" a tour of their home that ended with the bathroom where he started the shower and began to get nude. He stepped under the water and she followed him as he'd hoped. He washed her thick fur then washed himself. He shut off the water and stepped out, drying himself with a towel and trying to dry her but failing. All of his towels ended up soaked and she didn't seem to get any drier. He got a better idea and used a hair drier to dry her dark fur while brushing her, then brushed his own hair.
The two of them rolled around in the back yard all day then cuddled in Dracchus's bed that night. They were both truly happy for the first time. |
Pacwriter
Unity Member
Post Number:
2501
Registered: 04-2002
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, July 21, 2006 - 08:52 pm: | |
Welcome Kardas
http://www.perrycomer.com
http://throughablindeye.blogspot.com/
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Todd Hunter
Mindsight Moderator
Post Number:
3407
Registered: 02-2003
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, July 22, 2006 - 06:50 am: | |
First, unless you're intending for this to come off as more than just a man-and-his-new-pet relationship (i.e., beastiality), I'd reword a bit in some areas...one example, "He didn't want to leave his new lover..." The other being the shower scene...
(I'm going to run with the assumption you weren't intending it to be beastiality, since those type of posts aren't allowed on this forum)
Next, while I read this over and over a few times, I was stuck trying to understand the reason (or overall point to be made) of the story. A reader shouldn't have to do that, and the writer should convey it clearly.
You may want to try fleshing out some of the points glossed over in this version...examples include:
"In just a short time the two of them had grown very attached to each other, each felt the other was perfect in every way."
"He didn't want to leave...but he had work the next day and needed to get back to the city."
Some reasons to do so would be to give a clear understanding of the character(s) involved, and to show any changes in the main character. As it stands right now, neither of those are clearly presented.
Mindsight Moderator
Aston's Blog
Midwestern Writer |
Jackie Grant Miller
Awareness Member
Post Number:
43
Registered: 04-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Monday, August 21, 2006 - 03:00 pm: | |
This story seemed to be incomplete and was a disappointment to me since it has possibilities to be good.
"I'm going to run with the assumption you weren't intending it to be beastiality..."
I agree that you are/were on the verge of having the reader feel that the man was about to have sex with the she-wolf. I thought the story was going to have the she-wolf transform into a Native American Woman while in the shower.
To me, this piece seems like a short story that a writer would quickly write so he/she could go back over it to build on for a future novel.
Peace & Good writing
www.KeeperoftheArts.com
Jackie Grant Miller
ISBN 141207782-2
Trafford Publishing |
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